This morning, as I flitted around from the classroom, to the kitchen, to the backyard, to the laundry room, trying to accomplish even a fraction of what needs to get done today, I am struck by the overwhelming sense that I am a failure.
Everyday, I come up short.
Everyday, I have high hopes of what I can accomplish, only to have much of my “to do” list still without scratches through it at the end of the day.
Everyday, I am overwhelmed by the never-ending amount of repeatable chores.
Everyday, I cook meals – that disappear faster than it took to make them.
Everyday, I clean the kitchen – over and over – and still I go to bed with dishes in the sink.
Everyday, a closet mocks me as “an unorganized slacker” when I open it to stuff something else in.
Everyday, as I walk past my art studio (closed) door… I hear “See? You will never be an artist… you don’t have what it takes to do it all. Give up and face it… you’re just a mom.”
And everyday, I drop into bed and wonder why I’m so tired – because according to my unscratched “list”, I didn’t get much done today at all.
(I know… I need to nix the lists! Therapy? Again? Maybe?)
It’s okay, I occasionally go through this… doubt, fear, anxiety, frustration. A lot of it starts at the end of a school year when I see what I “expected” myself to get done during the year… and how little of it we “actually” got done. It’s frustrating. I want to accomplish so much more than I do and at the same time be happier about doing it.
But… I now have to tell you something… after I stopped what I was doing and had my personal worship time with God this morning… I was reminded that He loves me no matter how much of my stupid list I do or don’t get done, or how badly I failed at my OWN expectations on any given day. He loves me even at my worst, (and that’s usually when I’m trying my best to do EVERYTHING).
Truth is… I know I’m NOT super woman, and I can’t possibly do all that I expect of myself.
My life is how it should be at this time.
I am a mom. I am an artist. I am a teacher. And (unfortunately 😦 )… I am a housekeeper (with three inexperienced helpers)!
I just need to remember that I don’t have to be perfect at any of it.
And I’m NOT!
Today… as I see the pile of school work to file, chore charts to make, books to sort, papers to grade, reports to write, workbooks to go through and “to do” notes accumulating all over my “desk”, I will make a conscious effort to hand it all over to Him and let him take care of what I missed, forgot, skipped or failed at. He is a mighty big God – I think He can handle my silly little problems!
Thank you God for handling it for me.
Quote from todays ‘Jesus Calling’ devotional by Sarah Young:
“I am all around you, like a cocoon of Light. My Presence with you is a promise, independent of your awareness of Me. Many things can block this awareness, but the major culprit is worry. My children tend to accept worry as an inescapable fact of life. However, worry is a form of unbelief: it is anathema to Me.
Who is in charge of your life? If it is you, then you have a good reason to worry. But if it is I, then worry is both unnecessary and counter productive. When you start to feel anxious about something, relinquish the situation to Me. Back off a bit, redirecting your focus to Me. I will either take care of the problem Myself or show you how to handle it. In this world you will have problems, but you need not lose sight of Me.”
Luke 12:22; John 16:33
Now I think JJ and I are going to go mess up the kitchen together!
It’s all good. I’m not in charge of my life – thank goodness.
P.S. Here is what I assisted JJ in making! Truly… I assisted – mostly just verbally too – he did it!
Biscuits and Gravy. With fresh basil from the garden on top. Mmmmmmm!
He likes making gravy because you can be so creative with it every time. It was oh-so-yummy!