Some Stories Beg to be Told

The evening before my Dad passed away, we had him anointed. The pastor came to the hospital and all the relatives were gathered to go into his room together to pray, sing and anoint his head with oil. It is a beautiful thing to be a part of. My son Gerrit was anointed before both of his brain surgeries. It is very clearly stated in the Bible to do this for the sick and I am all for it. However, in this situation I just couldn’t be in the room.

I was torn. Can’t go into all the reasons for this, it just was what it was. I couldn’t handle it physically or mentally, and so, chose to take a walk instead.

The entire time I walked I prayed (begged really). I asked God to please heal him or take him. Over and over I asked Him that. Dad was suffering. I knew it, and I wanted it to stop.

Of course, if it were my choice, I would have rather He heal him. But I knew at this point that Gods will is what needed to happen, not mine.

After some time, I got a text from one of my brothers that said it was over and that I could come back to his room. So I headed back into the hospital.

As I was coming through the lobby, about to go around a corner into the long hallway, I just begged God to do one or the other. I pleaded over and over again (in my head) “Please, please, please, please…” and before I stopped saying the pleases… I heard a gentle, sweet, calm mans voice say… “It’s okay, Papa’s coming home tomorrow”.

 I immediately felt comforted, and burst into tears at the same time. I felt as if God was speaking to me. I began to repeat it in my head. “It’s okay, Papa’s coming home tomorrow… It’s okay, Papa’s coming home…”

As I rounded the corner, it was actually a father comforting his two little boys with the news that their Papa was going to come home from the hospital tomorrow.

For me, however, it will always be Gods comforting voice… answering my pleas for help.

And Papa did go home the next day.

hi-d

Spring of Death

A week and a day after my Dad’s funeral we had to put our sweet’ole cat Tang down.

He had just recently lost a lot of weight, and on the day I got out to California to be with my Dad, Dave and JJ took Tang to the vet. They found out he had feline AIDS and a tumor in his colon.

Since he was a rescue, we don’t really know how old he is. But the vet guessed he was between 5 and 7 when we brought him home – and we’ve had him about 6 years.

The boys wanted to wait until I got home so we could all be together to have him put to sleep. It was almost two weeks before we were all home together again.

It was time. He was emaciated.

We had a vet service come out to the house so we could all be together, and Tang could be in the comfort of his own home. That was a great decision. SO much nicer than having him in the vets office.

 Tang was JJ’s cat, so he held him.

It was sad, beautiful, peaceful, and gut wrenching all at the same time.

We are glad the poor old guy isn’t hurting or hungry anymore. Bless his heart. But since our hearts were still so raw from the loss of my Dad, it was a difficult day.

He is now buried out back next to Axel (who we had for 17 years).

When the time is right, JJ will get to have a new cat. But for now, we are just remembering the good times and what a lover he was.

RIP Tang.

You were a good ole’Buddy, and your loud purring will be missed.

This has been a rotten Spring.

hi-d

Stay Sweet

One of the biggest blessings during this whole ugly ordeal was that all of the siblings got along and agreed on everything, every step of the way.

We have heard many stories since then about siblings (even just two of them) that didn’t agree on anything, and made the whole experience that much worse. We were blessed. From the moment of that first big decision of whether to take him off the respirator or not, to picking out the music for the service, we were in harmony. I have come to see what a huge blessing that is. I love every one of my brothers, step sister and mom, and it would have been extremely heart wrenching to have had to argued over any of it.

We leaned on each other, and supported whoever was having a hard time at that moment. It rotated around to all of us at different times. Maybe that is Gods way of spreading out the anguish and thereby diluting it a bit. I don’t know. At least that is what I’d like to think.

One of the neatest things we did at the service was to have all the guys wear one of Papa’s ties. (A sister-in-law and I wore one too.) We also all wore bright colors to celebrate the fact that when he will no longer be colorblind!

(in order of age – from left to right – Harrison-12, JJ-15, Sawyer-16, Guy-16, Colby-17 and Darren-25)

So much of those two weeks are still a fog to me. I hope that I can sort some of it out soon. My brain is still not fully functional, but I am grateful for every new day that it has a chance to try. I have recently decided that any day which ends in me being dressed, and the kids being fed was a good day.

They say that time heals. They say that the pain will diminish. They say that life goes on.

I get it. I just don’t want it to.

I don’t want time to go by… I want it to stop. I don’t want the pain to diminish… I want him here to help me with it. I don’t want life to go on… because he’s no longer in it.

The only thing that keeps me going some days is the fact that my Daddy would want me to. He’d want me to keep my chin up. Teach the boys. Take care of my family. Keep in touch with my brothers and sister, and take care of Mom Carol. He’d want me to live my life.

So… to honor him, I will.

The last thing he was able to say to me that Saturday night, the 19th of April… the night before he went on the respirator, was… “Stay sweet”.

I’m trying Daddy… I’m trying.

I love you.

hi-d

My Daddy

April 13, some friends of mine gave me an early birthday party. We had a great day. It was full of laughter, skeet shooting over the lake, great friends and good food. It was the perfect way to bring in this (hard to accept) age of 50. I felt very blessed. (Thank you friends!!)

That evening I received a phone call from my Step Mom, and then got to talk with my Dad for a bit. It wasn’t good. He sounded terrible… and so did she.

I decided to start making plans to go out to California.

Quite early the next morning, I got a phone call from one of my brothers. Dad had to be put on a respirator. 

I threw stuff in a suitcase and ran around like a chicken with my head cut off. My husband knew to let me act out my hysteria, but calmly got me listed on the first BEST flight (standby) out of Atlanta. It happened to be the first one out the next morning…which wasn’t soon enough for me. He eventually got through to me that even if I got on a flight right now, I’d zig-zagged all over the country, and more than likely get stuck overnight somewhere, and that I would, in fact, arrive at the same time as if I would just wait, sleep in my own bed, and take the early morning one. So, I waited. And while I waited for dawn, I was able to get the boys lesson plans printed out, the house and animal care sheet printed, thank you notes for my party written, and a fairly good nights sleep. I was grateful that I got on that first flight and made it out to Sacramento by 10:30 AM. 

I don’t even remember the flight out.

A sweet friend picked me up and had a sandwich, drink and goodies in the car already. So, it was straight to the hospital.

Got there around noon.

I won’t go into all the private details of that week. I do need to sort them out by writing them at some point. But it won’t all be on here. Just know that he knew I was there, along with my Step Mom and Step Sister and later knew that the boys (my three brothers) were also there. The first couple of days he could shake his head yes or no, lift his had in a wave, raise his eyebrows, and tear up. But by Wednesday… not so much.

This was by far the roughest week of my life. The roller coaster ride of “he can make it”, to “he’s not going to pull through this”, was so emotionally exhausting. 

He ended up not making it. Saturday night the 20th, at 8:43 pm, his beautiful, kind, sweet, precious heart stopped.

All he had originally wrong with him was asthma. He did more running around, traveling and hanging out with his friends than I do. He was just fine. A very healthy 76-year-old man.

Then during a trip out to Arizona to see his sick friend, he got an upper respiratory infection, which turned into pneumonia, and then double pneumonia. While he was in the hospital for the double pneumonia, he go MRSA and more lung infections. I don’t even know all the stuff that was going on. But for a man who never smoked, to die of lung disease, is so frustrating to me. 

There were many blessings along the way, and I still feel that all is going to be okay. However, I am so, so, so very sad. I miss him. I have picked up the phone to call him so many times in the last couple weeks. I just need to talk with him. That is what we did. We talked. Even before I moved so far away from him, we would get together to talk. He was not only my Daddy, but my friend. There is a big hole now… a big hole in my heart.

I flew home on my actual birthday. The 29th of April. 

I just keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

But every day… I wake up… and it really happened. He’s really gone. Gone.

I can’t imagine how I could bear this sadness if I didn’t believe in the second coming of Jesus. I know I will see my Daddy again one day. And OH, WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY THAT WILL BE!!

So, forgive me if my posts don’t make any sense, are all about my Dad, or are on the down side for a while.  I don’t like to do that, but I think it helps to write and get my thoughts out, even if I don’t feel like it. Some are too private and personal to share, but some were meant to be told! My Dad would have wanted that. He was my blogs biggest fan. He often called to talk about one of my recent posts. I will miss that.

Before I try to hit the “post” button, I will leave for you the poem that the hostess at my hotel gave me after hearing of Dads passing. We used it in the program at his service. She (along with two other ladies there) were a blessing to me that whole first week while I went from hotel to hospital.

I’M FREE

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free,

I’m following the path God laid you see.

I took His hand when I heard Him call,

I turned my back and left it all.

 

I could not stay another day

to laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way.

I found the peace at the close of day.

 

If my parting has left a void

Then fill it with remembered joys–

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,

Oh yes, these things I too will miss.

 

Be not burdened with times of sorrow.

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life’s been full, I savored much.

Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.

 

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief –

Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your hearts, and peace to thee–

God wanted me now, He set me free.

(Thank you DeeDee.)

 

I miss you Daddy. Rest In Peace.

hi-d

 

 

 

Art

I’m not getting a lot of time for my artwork lately, but here is a necklace pendant I made for a friend’s birthday recently.

It’s made out of homemade porcelain clay, air-dried and then painted with acrylic paints and sealed.

I’m looking forward to more time in the studio this summer. Well, I’m looking forward to it…doesn’t mean I’ll get it. Wishing is always good, eh?

hi-d

Wolf and Lance

I am a little late in posting this, but better late than never!

Here is the link to the boys long-awaited movie WOLF AND LANCE.

We are very proud of them for their dedication and diligence in the making of this. They all worked long and hard on it, and none more than JJ.

Hope you enjoy it, and leave them some positive feedback.

Thanks,

hi-d

Peeps Update II

If you don’t know what happened to Peeps, you can find out here. But for the rest of you that are wondering how she is doing, read on.

She is pretty-much back to her previous self!!

It took seven weeks for her to lay her next egg, and now she is back to her original schedule of (about) every other day.

See her resting on the back of the couch?

She is back to scolding at me for treats, cackling VERY loudly telling us that she has laid an egg, hanging out with the dogs, pestering the cats, foraging for bugs with the rest of the flock, and generally running amuck around here!

On a nice day we sometimes leave the back door open, and the other day she kept coming in and then would follow me around the kitchen scolding me for a berry! She knows they are in the fridge, so she was hanging out in front of it… but my kitchen is quite small and the fridge is right in the middle… so she was very much in the way of my cooking. I would put her out… and she’d be back inside before I knew it!

Jetta sharing some of her cottage cheese with Peeps.

I hate to reward her when she yells/squawks like that, so I wait for a quiet moment before opening the fridge and getting her a berry and hoping she will go back out and play!

One day she was getting into everything. She got on top of my clean laundry, flying up on the bookshelf, got up on our bed, etc. Each time any of us found her somewhere she wasn’t supposed to be, we’d put her outside. But since a couple of doors were open, on that nice day, she kept finding her way back in. Well, I had my mind on what I was doing and didn’t quite put two and two together until quite a while later I heard her LOUD “I laid and egg” laugh. (it is quite hilarious by the way!) I ran inside and found her in a basket of towels… gloating over her shiny little egg! I should have figured out that is what she was trying to do, and put her in her cage, but I just wasn’t paying attention. Silly bird. Always looking for a new place to lay.

**What I don’t get is, if they want to lay in a new and secret place (to “collect” the eggs I assume) why do they make such a racket about laying it afterwards and bring all nearby attention to themselves, their eggs and this awesome new hiding spot?**

Peeps teasing Ahmi from above!

Yes, I am still leery of the hawk coming back. Yes, I know it could happen again, and we might not be so lucky next time. However, she hates being caged up outside. I don’t blame her. So… we decided that we would let her live the happy life of a free range chicken, however long that will be, rather than a longer life of a caged one.

We are all watching out for her the best we can.

Jetta watching over the girls.

And she is still a lot more aware of her surroundings than she was before the attack.

Yaaaay for Peeps!

She is a fighter.

She’s crazy. And we like crazy!

hi-d